First of all, let me be clear that I love my mother. If it weren’t for my mother, I would not be here today. I would not be the person I am today. Understanding our trauma does not provide an excuse for the emotional scars I have. The healing is the most import thing in my sharing and not to make my mother a bad person. She did what she thought was right because she was in fear and traumatized herself. However, at my age it has allowed me to innerstand that there is no way I believe my mother intentionally tried to harm or degrade me. Even though she won’t talk about it, many times the intent of what we verbalize does not get received in the spirit we want. While I believe my mother was just trying to prevent me from becoming pregnant too early in life as she had done, as an adolescent I didn’t understand that so was left internalizing and taking it personally. I was hurt and beginning to lose my self-esteem.
My healing journey has taught me that we have to heal and learn to communicate. Otherwise, parents become children’s first introduction to trauma that will impact their lives negatively for some time. My goal for uncovering trauma is to heal myself, my mother, sister, nieces and future generations within our bloodline.
When I was around six or seven, I would be fondled by a little boy about four years older. He told me we were playing, but not sure how he convinced me this was okay. Being raised as an only child I just wanted someone to play with. I didn’t realize this type of play was wrong until he wasn’t home to play with me one day. I approached his older brother and asked if he would play with me. Shared how his brother made me play with him. The good thing is that he got angry and told his mother. This is when I found out this type of play was wrong. I felt ashamed that I had been a very bad girl.
I found myself afraid and that something was wrong with me because it did feel good. When I became 12 or 13, I started masturbating because it felt good, but then felt ashamed and enormous guilt.
I had gone on a date when I was 16 years old. When I returned home on time for curfew my date kissed me goodnight. My mother was standing in the garage in the dark then turned on the light with arms folded and frowned up. This made me fill ashamed and guilty. It was further impacted by the words she spoke, “You’re a whore and are not going out with that boy again.”
At the age of 16 I was diagnosed with a breast fibroadenoma (solid, smooth, firm, noncancerous (benign) lumps). I had surgery on my right breast. Allopathic medicine first states that our illnesses are genetic most of the time, however my mother stated she had not known of any family history with this issue. Their meaning of genetic illnesses is in the context of physical issues only. However, more often than not our physical illnesses are brought on by generational trauma, our emotions and the way we see the world.
Breast cyst/fibroids can be associated with feeling guilty for sexual pleasure. Feeling guilty and ashamed when receiving sexual attention from partners. This brings on conflict between satisfying sexual needs and protecting yourself. Bottomline is that childhood touching was associated with punishment, abuse or invasion trauma.
These feelings further result in lowering your standards and expectations of others due to needing to be loved and accepted. Your needs become less important. There becomes a feeling of resentment, out of control or feeling unprotected.
I believe my mother was traumatized by something as a child and as an adult, but she never talks about it. In fact, she gets upset if you even bring up the subject. It is so important to understand your dark side as well as the good sides of our life. To me the most important thing in child rearing is to be able to be honest, supportive and understanding. I believe being able to share why you have an opinion about something is more important than the opinion or belief.
My spiritual family ancestral history is revealing that the females in my bloodline were involved in slave breeding. I am now ready to receive the specifics of the trauma for healing from my ancestor’s trauma. This act is sometimes called shadow work.